The Big
Lie *
by
Art
Buchwald (1925-2007)
=== // ===
=== // ===
The Great Lie Detector Test Flap has come
to an end. When President Reagan signed a directive ordering thousands of
government officials to hook up to a polygraph machine, Secretary of State
George Shultz balked, and announced he would resign.
The President then backed down and said
the lie detector would be used only in special cases.
What nobody knows is that it wasn’t George Shultz who was responsible for getting Mr. Reagan to rethink his security plan.
It was Nancy Reagan.
Three days after the President signed the
directive, two men came into Mrs. Reagan’s sitting room and attempted to place
electrodes on her head.
Mrs. Reagan said, “What are you doing?”
One of the men replied, “The President has
ordered everyone to take a polygraph test. We wanted to get the White House
people out of the way first.”
“Leave immediately. I will never submit to
a polygraph test.”
“Gee, Mrs. Reagan. It isn’t a big deal to
take one if you have nothing to hide. But it’s going to make everyone wonder
about you if you refuse.”
“I’m going to speak to the President about
this.”
“Nancy,
why are you getting your hair done so early?”
“These are not hair curlers, Ronnie. They
are electrodes for a polygraph test. Will you please tell me why I have to
submit to one?”
“I can’t very well ask George Shultz to
take the test if I won’t ask my own wife.”
“Ronnie, have I ever lied to you?”
“Of course not. That’s why I wasn’t afraid
to okay the polygraph for you. I knew you would pass with flying colors. Can’t
you see the headlines--- ‘Nancy Reagan Tells Truth Again.’ "
“There’s no reason for me to take a test.
I don’t know any state secrets.”
“That’s the point, Nancy. If you did know any secrets, the
threat of a lie detector test would make you think twice before you passed them
on.”
“Ronnie, why are you making everyone do
this?”
“Bill Webster and Cap Weinberger think it
is a dandy idea. They believe the tests will have a chilling effect on would-be
traitors.”
“Am I considered a would-be traitor?”
“Of course not. I know it , and you know
it, but how can I prove it to everyone else if I can’t produce the results of
your polygraph tests?”
“Everyone says lie detector tests are no
good. They can’t even be used in court as evidence. And they violate people’s
civil rights.”
“I have done more for civil rights than
any President in the past fifty years. Let me read you a letter I received from
a little girl in Iowa.”
“Ronnie, I want those men out of the
boudoir in two minutes.”
“Nancy,
you are the crown jewel in my administration’s polygraph program. We’ll make
the questions very simple, such as, why did you exile our dog Lucky to the
ranch in California?”
“I’ve
never hesitated to cooperate with you before, Ronnie. But this time the answer
is NO.”
“Since you feel that way about it, I’ll
cancel the lie detector program. But when the next commie spy surfaces in the
government, you’ll have nobody to blame but George Schultz and yourself.”________________________________
*
Source: Art Buchwald, “I Think I Don’t Remember”, The Putnam Publishing
Group, 1985.
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