T P O

T   P   O
The Patient Ox (aka Hénock Gugsa)

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** TPO **
A personal blog with diverse topicality and multiple interests!


On the menu ... politics, music, poetry, and other good stuff.
There is humor, but there is blunt seriousness here as well!


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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

A Gem from Art Buchwald! - by TPO



Art Buchwald

The Big Lie *
by
Art Buchwald (1925-2007)
=== // ===

     The Great Lie Detector Test Flap has come to an end. When President Reagan signed a directive ordering thousands of government officials to hook up to a polygraph machine, Secretary of State George Shultz balked, and announced he would resign.
     The President then backed down and said the lie detector would be used only in special cases.
     What nobody knows is that it wasn’t George Shultz who was responsible for getting Mr. Reagan to rethink his security plan. It was Nancy Reagan.
     Three days after the President signed the directive, two men came into Mrs. Reagan’s sitting room and attempted to place electrodes on her head.
     Mrs. Reagan said, “What are you doing?”
     One of the men replied, “The President has ordered everyone to take a polygraph test. We wanted to get the White House people out of the way first.”
     “Leave immediately. I will never submit to a polygraph test.”
     “Gee, Mrs. Reagan. It isn’t a big deal to take one if you have nothing to hide. But it’s going to make everyone wonder about you if you refuse.”
     “I’m going to speak to the President about this.”

     “Nancy, why are you getting your hair done so early?”
     “These are not hair curlers, Ronnie. They are electrodes for a polygraph test. Will you please tell me why I have to submit to one?”
     “I can’t very well ask George Shultz to take the test if I won’t ask my own wife.”
     “Ronnie, have I ever lied to you?”
     “Of course not. That’s why I wasn’t afraid to okay the polygraph for you. I knew you would pass with flying colors. Can’t you see the headlines--- ‘Nancy Reagan Tells Truth Again.’ "
     “There’s no reason for me to take a test. I don’t know any state secrets.”
     “That’s the point, Nancy. If you did know any secrets, the threat of a lie detector test would make you think twice before you passed them on.”
     “Ronnie, why are you making everyone do this?”
     “Bill Webster and Cap Weinberger think it is a dandy idea. They believe the tests will have a chilling effect on would-be traitors.”
     “Am I considered a would-be traitor?”
     “Of course not. I know it , and you know it, but how can I prove it to everyone else if I can’t produce the results of your polygraph tests?”
     “Everyone says lie detector tests are no good. They can’t even be used in court as evidence. And they violate people’s civil rights.”
     “I have done more for civil rights than any President in the past fifty years. Let me read you a letter I received from a little girl in Iowa.”
     “Ronnie, I want those men out of the boudoir in two minutes.”
     “Nancy, you are the crown jewel in my administration’s polygraph program. We’ll make the questions very simple, such as, why did you exile our dog Lucky to the ranch in California?”
     “I’ve never hesitated to cooperate with you before, Ronnie. But this time the answer is NO.”
     “Since you feel that way about it, I’ll cancel the lie detector program. But when the next commie spy surfaces in the government, you’ll have nobody to blame but George Schultz and yourself.”

  ________________________________
* Source: Art Buchwald, “I Think I Don’t Remember”, The Putnam Publishing Group, 1985.




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