"A A D D" - by Unknown

"A A D D"
--------
Unknown

Boy if this isn't one of my typical days I don't know what is!!!

Recently, I heard about A. A. D. D.
Age Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look
over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting
warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I
realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and
wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do at
the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail ....

DON'T WE ALL HAVE DAYS LIKE THIS!!!

Don't laugh -- if this hasn't happened to you yet, your day is coming!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT ONESELF "IS" THERAPEUTIC.
_______________________________
*Source: Unknown

 

 

 

 

"Marcel the Shell with Shoes On" - by Dean Fleischer-Camp

"Marcel the Shell with Shoes On"
--------------
by Dean Fleischer-Camp   

       

The Dead Parrot - John Cleese / Michael Palin

The Dead Parrot

(Cast: C => John Cleese, the customer ; P => Michael Palin, the pet shopkeeper )

C: I wish to register a complaint! Hello, miss...
P: What do you mean, 'miss'?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
P: Sorry, we're closed for lunch.
C: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
P: Ah, yes. The, er, the Norwegian Blue. What's er, what's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
P: No, no, he's er, he's resting.
C: Look mate, I know a dead parrot when I see one. And I am looking at one right now.
P: No, no, he's er, he's not dead, he's, he's resting, you know.... Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, ain't it, hey? Beautiful plumage.
C: The plumage don't enter in to it! He's stone dead.
P: No, no, he's, he's resting.
C: Alright then, if he's resting I'll wake him up. Hello, mister Polly parrot, (sound of cage being hit) I got a nice fresh banana.
P: He moved.
C: No he didn't! I saw you hit the cage.
P: I never!
C: YES... YOU... DID!
P: I didn't.
C: HELLO POLLY! WAKEY, WAKEY! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (sound of knocking) Now that is what I call a dead parrot.
P: He's stunned.
C: Stunned?
P: Yeah, you stunned him, just as he was waking up. Norwegian Blues stun easily.
C: Now look, don't play the slippery eel with me. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
P: Well, he's er, he's probably pining for the fjords.
C: Pining for the fjords?!! What kind of talk is that? Now why did it fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?
P: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on his back. Remarkable bird ain't it, ay, Major? Beautiful plumage!
C: Look, tosh, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
P: Well of course it was NAILED there. Listen, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have muscled out of them bars, bend them apart with his little beak and VOOM!
C: VOOM?
P: VOOM.
C: Mate, this parrot wouldn't voom if you put 4 million volts through it. He's bleedin' demised!
P: No, no, he's pining!
C: He's not pining, he's, he's passed on! This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's up the twig! He's curled up his tootsies! He's shoveled off this mortal coil! He's rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! He freakin snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, he's had his lot! All statements to the effect that this parrot is still a going concern are from now on inoperative! This is an ex-parrot!
P: Well, I better replace it then.
C: If you want to get anything down in this country you have to complain till you're blue in the face. What's the news?
P: Well, I had a little look around the back. And we're right out of parrots.
C: I see, I see. I get the picture.
P: I got a slug.
C: Does it talk?
P: Yep!
C: Right. I'll have that one then.

"Me and Bobby McGee" - by Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson (1936 - )
-----------
"Me and Bobby McGee"

 

      Busted flat in Baton Rouge, headin' for the trains
Feelin' nearly faded as my jeans
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained
Took us all away to New Orleans

I took my harpoon out of my dirty red bandanna
And was blowin' sad while bobby sang the blues
With them windshield wipers slappin' time
And Bobby clappin' hands we finally sung up every song that driver knew

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free
Feelin' good was easy Lord, when Bobby sang the blues
Feelin' good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and Bobby McGee

From the coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun
Bobby shared the secrets of my soul
Standin' right beside me Lord through every thing I done
Every night she kept me from the cold

Then somewhere near Salinas lord, I let her slip away
Lookin' for the home, I hope she'll find
And I'd trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday
Holdin' Bobby's body next to mine

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin' left is all she left for me
Feelin' good was easy Lord, when Bobby sang the blues
Buddy that was good enough for me
Good enough for me and Bobby McGee

Da da da, la da, da da
La da da, da da
La da da and me and Bobby McGee

La da da, da da, da da
La da da, da da
La da da and me and Bobby McGee    

"A Rare Medical Condition" - by Anonymous

"A Rare Medical Condition"
--------
by Anonymous




A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man was momentarily startled, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still bothered about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before he said. Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

" African Customs! " - by Sir Peter Ustinov

Sir Peter Ustinov (1921-2004)
---------
"African Customs"

         

The Wind - by Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)
-----------
"The Wind"

I saw you toss the kites on high
And blow the birds about the sky;
And all around I heard you pass,
Like ladies' skirts across the grass

Oh wind, a blowing all day long,
Oh wind, that sings so loud a song!

I saw the different things you did,
But always you yourself you hid.
I felt you push, I heard you call,
I could not see yourself at all

Oh wind, a blowing all day long!
Oh wind, that sings so loud a song!

O you that are so strong and cold,
O blower, are you young or old?
Are you a beast of field and tree,
Or just a stronger child than me?

O wind, a blowing all day long,
O wind, that sings so loud a song!

My Ever-Changing Status - by Hénock Gugsa

My Ever-Changing Status *
-----------
by Hénock Gugsa
 

  Well, folks, here we go again!

I was granted residence status as a "legal alien" when I came to the U.S. over twenty-five years ago.

I stayed a "resident alien" with a green card for about ten years. Then I thought I'd better do better and I applied for citizenship.  I became a proud citizen in 1994. My status now, I was told, has changed from "alien" to "naturalized citizen."

Of late, on all the media, there is a lot of talk about a new but old category of citizens - "the natural-born."

So, knock me down with a broom. Am I being told that I'm not "natural-born?" Am I an alien again? Please tell me: Are people born differently or unnaturally else where on this planet?
_____________________________________________________
* “My Ever-Changing Status” ~ © Hénock Gugsa  (ሄኖክ  ጉግሣ ) - 08/12/2010

"And Then The Fight Started!" - by Anonymous

"And Then The Fight Started!"
------------
by Anonymous  
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man. "Holy crap that must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked, he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, and ran through a thorn bush to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.......

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

Life ... a Critical Assessment - by Hénock Gügsa

Life ... a Critical Assessment *

Life, of-course, is a journey. It has its ups and downs, its twists and turns. We, humans, are always plotting and charting our lives as if we were captains at sea in charge of our vessels, and determined to reach our destinations.

We make choices, and we make decisions. Yet, deep in our hearts, we know that we are not in complete control of our lives. We can only hope and pray to reach a modest amount of the goals we have set.

I have safely concluded ... if we want to avoid despair and disappointment, we need to at least acknowledge powers outside ourselves, such as fate, destiny, or the will of the Creator.
_______________________________________________________
 * “Life ... a Critical Assessment” ~ © Hénock Gugsa  (ሄኖክ  ጉግሣ ) - 08/08/2010

"She Drives Me Crazy" - Fine Young Cannibals

  Fine Young Cannibals
--------------
"She Drives Me Crazy"
  I can't stop the way I feel
Things you do don't seem real

Tell me what you've got in mind
'Cause we're runnin' out of time
Won't you ever set me free
This waiting round is killing me

She drives me crazy
Like no one else
She drives me crazy
And I can't help myself

I can't get any rest
People say I'm obsessed

Everything you say is lies
But to me there's no surprise
What I had for you was true
Things go wrong, they always do

She drives me crazy
Like no one else
She drives me crazy
And I can't help myself

I won't make it on my own
No one likes to be alone

She drives me crazy
Like no one else
She drives me crazy
And I can't help myself

Brain Droppings - of TPO ( Hénock Gugsa )

 


What gets my goat?
- Arrogance (hubris).
- Stupidity ... denials in the face of common sense or truth.
- Greed in all its manifestations.

What have I learned in life?
- There is always a deficiency of actual knowledge ... always room for growth.
- There is nothing new under the sun!
- It has all happened before in one form or another; the only thing new or amazing is our discovery of it.
- Intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing.
- Wisdom is far superior.

What is important and lasting?
- Compassion in all matters.
- Good deeds and great works of beauty and genius.