Don't Use Our Stuff!
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By JOANNA WEISS
The Boston Globe
(August 21, 2011)
The Boston Globe
(August 21, 2011)
To: John Henry From: Costco
Dear Mr. Henry, You were recently spotted in one of our stores purchasing industrial-grade jars of ketchup, mustard, and relish, as well as a jumbo package of Kosher hot dogs. While we realize you may have occasion to throw large barbecues, your construction of a 35,000-foot mansion in Brookline makes it clear that you are not the frugal, cost-conscious family shopper that represents our core customer base. Therefore, we are offering to pay you a substantial sum to avoid stepping into our stores at any time. We know you don’t need the money. Please put it toward next year’s lineup.
To: Lady Gaga From: The American Corn Federation
Dear Ms. Gaga, We understand that, during public appearances, you have a tendency to cloak yourself in America’s farm commodities. That raw-meat dress. The giant egg that you emerged from during the Grammys. We are now quite fearful that, for your next media splash, you will turn your attention to corn. As much as we agree that corn has many, varied uses, we do not wish to see you in a dress made of corn kernels, corn husks, cornsilk, or the knobby ends of the ears. Therefore, we are prepared to offer you a generous payment to consider an outfit made of rice instead. Or maybe wheat. How about soybeans? We eagerly await your response.
To: Rupert Murdoch From: Apple
Dear Mr. Murdoch, We know you’ve staked some of your company’s future on news delivered on tablets, such as our iPad. Of course, we don’t mind. But our customers consider themselves intelligent, nimble, and self-aware. And since your public image, of late, paints a person who has no idea what any of his employees are doing, we fear that your personal association with our products might cause undue distress. We have no objection to your putting out “The Daily’’ or making Fox News apps. But we’d like to offer a modest sum to ensure that you will never be personally seen in public holding an iPhone, iPad, or iPod. (Perhaps that last one was unlikely, anyway.) Take our money. Please. You might need it for legal fees.
To: Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann From: International Tea Growers’ Council
Dear Mr. Perry and Ms. Bachmann, We know you are hardly the first politicians to utilize the “Tea Party’’ label. But as presidential frontrunners, we thought you would make excellent standard bearers for a new trend in political symbolism. We know that, based on a single, unfortunate incident in colonial Boston, “tea’’ has been connected with angry masses and revolutionary ideals. But in many other cultures, tea has long been associated with calm, deliberate thinking and rational conversation. As a result, we would like to pay you to select another beverage to symbolize your political philosophy. If you’re in need of ideas, we humbly suggest hard lemonade.
To: Barack Obama From: Red Bull
Dear Mr. President,
A faithful customer on Martha’s Vineyard - with a powerful camera lens - recently spotted you sipping one of our energy drinks at the start of your vacation. As you may know, Red Bull is associated with boldness, vigor, and decisive action. Your recent handling of the debt ceiling crisis makes us think you are a poor representative of our brand. Thus, we are prepared to offer you a sizable sum to avoid drinking Red Bull for the foreseeable future. Put it toward the PAC of your choice; the Supreme Court has made this very easy. Or use it to buy arugula. We don’t care.
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Joanna Weiss is at weiss@globe.com.
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