The Republicans' Vision Thing - by Andy Borowitz

The Republicans' Vision Thing *

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G.O.P. Unveils Immigration Plan: “We Must Make America Somewhere No One Wants to Live”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party’s long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, “We must make America somewhere no one wants to live.”

Appearing with House Speaker John Boehner, McConnell said that, in contrast to President Obama’s “Band-Aid fixes,” the Republican plan would address “the root cause of immigration, which is that the United States is, for the most part, habitable.”

“For years, immigrants have looked to America as a place where their standard of living was bound to improve,” McConnell said. “We’re going to change that.”

Boehner said that the Republicans’ plan would reduce or eliminate “immigration magnets,” such as the social safety net, public education, clean air, and drinkable water.

The Speaker added that the plan would also include the repeal of Obamacare, calling healthcare “catnip for immigrants.”

Attempting, perhaps, to tamp down excitement about the plan, McConnell warned that turning America into a dystopian hellhole that repels immigrants “won’t happen overnight.”

“Our crumbling infrastructure and soaring gun violence are a good start, but much work still needs to be done,” he said. “When Americans start leaving the country, we’ll know that we’re on the right track.”

In closing, the two congressional leaders expressed pride in the immigration plan, noting that Republicans had been working to make it possible for the past thirty years.
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* Source: Andy Borowitz (a news satire columnist, The New Yorker) - http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/republicans-unveil-immigration-plan

The Wisdom and Wit of Samuel Johnson - by TPO

Samuel Johnson’s Words

He that undervalues himself will undervalue others, and he that undervalues others will oppress them.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.

It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of dying is not of importance, it lasts so short a time.

Man alone is born crying, lives complaining, and dies disappointed.

Poetry is the art of uniting pleasure with truth.

Resolve not to be poor: whatever you have, spend less. Poverty is a great enemy to human happiness; it certainly destroys liberty, and it makes some virtues impracticable, and others extremely difficult.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

What is easy is seldom excellent.

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

It is more from carelessness about truth than from intentional lying that there is so much falsehood in the world.

No oppression is so heavy or lasting as that which is inflicted by the perversion and exorbitance of legal authority.

Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. [According to James Boswell, Samuel Johnson was making a pointed reference to “pretended patriotism which so many, in all ages and countries, have made a cloak of self-interest.”]