Everything Is Clear Now! - [thanks to] A. Borowitz

Everything Is Clear Now!

[thanks to] Andy Borowitz -  The Borowitz Report  *
In a new effort to settle nagging questions about his finances, Republican Presidential pick Mitt Romney today told reporters that his dog ate his tax returns and also served as C.E.O. of Bain Capital from 1999 to 2002.

Mr. Romney’s narrative about the Irish setter Seamus Romney, shared with reporters during a campaign stop in New Hampshire, was perhaps the most emotional invocation of a pet by a politician since Richard M. Nixon’s famed Checkers speech of 1952.

“Seamus was more than a dog,” Mr. Romney said, his voice beginning to quaver. “As C.E.O. of Bain, he was a job creator.”

But Mr. Romney’s revelations about his dog’s career in private equity may have raised more questions than it answered, as a spokesperson for People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) questioned the G.O.P. candidate’s latest version of events.

“If we are to believe Mitt Romney, in 2002 while Seamus was supposedly running Bain Capital he would have been at least 140 years old [in dog years],” said PETA’s Carol Foyler. “This shaggy-dog story represents Mitt Romney’s latest act of animal cruelty.”

Minutes after PETA’s response, Mr. Romney released an amended statement, saying that Seamus Romney had served as C.E.O. of Bain “posthumously.”

It was a quieter day for Mr. Romney’s wife Ann, who, after her “you people” gaffe on ABC’s “Good Morning America” yesterday, was seen riding home on the roof of Mr. Romney’s car.
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* Source: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport

 

Why I Will Vote for Mitt - by PB of Manlius, NY

Why I Will Vote for Mitt:
by
PB of Manlius, NY    
1. I don't think rich people should pay taxes since they create all these jobs we don't have, and I don't want to pay any taxes either.

2. I miss the neocons like John Bolton and can't wait for that long-promised war with Iran--if not Iran, I am sure the neocons & military contractors can find an alternative venue for another war or two.

3. Mitt hates the government and so do I. We don't need the EPA, FDA, SS, Medicare, Medicaid, consumer protection, any gun laws, roads, bridges, schools (I hated school), etc. All we need is a big macho military with big weapons and a place to use them (see #2).

4. Mitt is tough and isn't one of those wishy-washy, kind, empathy types--like he really didn't care that he strapped his old dog to the car roof for that fun-filled family vacation, and he LIKES firing people. Just the kind of guy we need to set America straight.

5. Mitt does not bog himself down with truth or reality. After all, he's never lived in reality anyway, and truth is way too difficult to figure out. Whatever!

6. Mitt does not favor separation of church and state; he will give us that Christian theocracy some of us have been clamoring for. So you gals can forget all about the contraception stuff and controlling your own bodies.

7. We need more political Supreme Court Justices like that funny guy Scalia who does as he pleases and doesn't let all that constitutional legal stuff and settled law get in the way of his personal opinions.

Go Mitt!