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by Anonymous
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun wrote a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
One man to another ~ Are you a psychologist?
Other man ~ Why do you ask?
1st man ~ You are a psychologist.
A rude tourist was looking at paintings in a museum. He didn't find anything interesting and turned to the attendant while pointing to a large frame.
Tourist ~ (making an ugly face) Is this what you call art?
Attendant ~ No sir, this is what we call a mirror.
