Unfiltered from Here and There (***)
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compiled by
TPO
*** Warning: This posting is suited for mature readers only.
There are these three guys. One is on his way up a hill to get to the local house of ill-repute. One is already there at the house, and the third is on his way down the hill away from the bordello.
What are the nationalities of these three guys?
The guy on his way up the hill : Russian.
The guy in the whore house : Himalayan.
The guy in the whore house : Himalayan.
And the guy on his way down the hill : Finnish.
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For almost all of my single life, I had belonged to the Lutheran Church.
But when I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time was called the Reformed Lutheran Church of America. In order to be an accepted member, I had to attend classes first.
At one of the first sessions, the Minister conducting the class
asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly, "Sin ???"
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Answers to questions in school ...
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
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From American courts as recorded by court reporters ...
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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For almost all of my single life, I had belonged to the Lutheran Church.
But when I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time was called the Reformed Lutheran Church of America. In order to be an accepted member, I had to attend classes first.
At one of the first sessions, the Minister conducting the class
asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly, "Sin ???"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers to questions in school ...
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
From American courts as recorded by court reporters ...
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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