Humor in Advice Columns - by TPO

 
Emily Yoffe

aka “Dear Prudence” (on washingtonpost.com)

[A recent letter (2013)]

Q: Girlfriend and Cat: I have been dating my girlfriend for three years, and I am mostly sure that this is the woman I will marry, except for one thing. The only thing we have any real disagreements about is our cat. She thinks it is just fine to kiss it right on the nose, repeatedly. She basically kisses it, and makes this "om nom nom" noise while doing so. I think it's gross, and she thinks my reaction is funny. I honestly feel ill when she does this, and can't stand the thought of kissing her afterward unless she washes up first. She thinks that makes me a loon. And yet, I can't help the ick factor. She has begun to wonder why we aren't engaged yet, and while it is quite true that I don't want to deal with wedding plans until I am done with grad school, the really big reason to me is I can't decide if this is a deal-breaker, or if I am being overly squeamish. So, please tell me, am I overreacting, or is she just being gross?

A: I understand your bafflement and distress. When kissing one's pets on the nose, the sound one makes should not be "om nom nom" but "num, num, nuu." Everyone knows that. I would feel better about your objection if you then said that your girlfriend suffers from constant bouts of feline-related flu. But it sounds as if she's just fine. This is no deal-breaker but one of life's little quirks that requires partners to indulge each other. So while you roll your eyes at her cat kisses, don't try to stop the smooching. And while she rolls her eyes at your hygiene commands, she rinses with mouth wash. This should make all three of you purr with contentment.

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Jeffrey Zaslow (1958-2012)

aka “Dear Jeffrey” (Chicago Sun-Times), 1994

Dear Jeffrey:  I am a 31-year-old single male who hasn’t had a date in a year. One problem is that I’m shy and have trouble asking women out.

I find it easier to respond to personal ads. But as soon as I write back with a description of myself, women lose interest.

Though some women have told me I’m attractive, I wonder if the problem is my size. I am 5-foot-5 and 135 pounds. I respond only to ads placed by women who are my height or shorter. Still, my size seems to be a turn-off.

Should I just face the fact that I am not tall enough for today’s women? Do most women dislike short men?

- Frustrated

Jeffrey says:  Yes, many women want tall muscle-bound hunks like Fabio and other fantasy images. Too many women are preconditioned in our culture to “need” their men taller, because men are “supposed to be dominant.”

For his book “The Height of Your Life” (Warner Books), author Ralph Keyes conducted a poll and found that fewer than 5 percent of women surveyed would go out with a man shorter than themselves. But that’s still not necessarily crushing news for short men, since 90 percent of women are under 5-foot-7. It’s ironic that women consider you short, since most of them are your height or shorter.

Keyes’ research also found that if more women would give shorter guys a try, they’d likely be pleased. And it’s not just because a lot of short guys are wonderful people.

Many women discover that love-making is better with a shorter man.

Keyes quotes a 6-foot-tall female economist: “With a smaller man, there’s no problem whatsoever. Things are equal when you’re lying down. I don’t find tall men active enough. They tend to be sort of phlegmatic. Tall men generally are slow-moving.”

A 6-foot-tall dance teacher said, “Small guys tend to be energetic lovers.” One woman said her best lover was 5-foot-5. “He was a great overachiever.” Another woman added, “Physically, having a small man on top of me can be comfortable. I could lie there for hours.”

Several women said that they were tired of standing on their toes to kiss or dance or hug taller men. Bring on the shorter guys!

They might be somewhat rare, but there are women who feel this way. Keyes is hopeful that as the power gap that separates men and women narrows, attitudes about height will change too. Resist letting your height affect your self-esteem. Keep looking, and someday you might find a woman who will be thrilled with every inch of you.

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Minnesota's Whippoorwill - by Tom Malone

The Whippoorwill

by

Tom Malone *

(Star Tribune, 8/13/1989)

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[ The low-flying whippoorwill: big-mouth of a summer’s eve ]

Those lucky enough to hear the cry of the whippoorwill in the summer night never forget the experience.

Suddenly from what usually seems an extremely close range, comes a piercing, whistled “whip-poor-Will,” repeated again and again.

Fifty to a hundred repetitions are common; the calls are repeated about a second apart.  As Thoreau wrote in 1840:

“The note of the whip-poor-will, borne over the fields, is the voice with which the woods and moonlight woo me.”

The bird usually calls in the evening after sunset, and again in the hours before dawn.  In the middle hours of the night the whippoorwill hunts the flying insects that comprise its food.

The bird hunts by flying low to the ground, silently like an owl.  It looks like a big moth as it flies.  It simply flies about, its large, open mouth “scooping” insects from the air.

The whippoorwill is closely related to the nighthawk common to our cities and towns; like its relative, it has a large mouth, which opens to a point behind the eyes.

The cavernous scoop enables it to catch and eat all types of flying, nocturnal insects, together with moths, beetles, crickets, and caterpillars.

During the day, the bird roosts on the ground or on a horizontal branch.

It does not hide; it does not have to.  Its protective coloration makes it look like a clump of leaves or a piece of dead wood.  The bird simply sits perfectly still unless the intruder is going to walk directly over it.

More than one person has been startled out of his wits by a large brown “moth” rising directly under his footfall.

The whippoorwill will also nest on the ground.  No nest is built. Instead, the eggs are laid directly on the ground in the woods.

The eggs, incubated by the female, hatch in about 20 days.  The young birds are flying and feeding 20 days after birth.

Males and females look very much alike except for the color of the sides of the tail.  The male flashes white and the female buff.

Whippoorwills are often very tame.  They can be closely approached if the observer waits and moves quietly.

They love to take “dust baths” and often can be seen doing so on old country dirt roads.

Interestingly, the bird’s huge, seemingly black eyes shine red when light is reflected from them.

Whippoorwills are locally common throughout the more heavily wooded parts of Minnesota.

They are most common in the southeast along the Mississippi River but are also very common through the north central part of the state.

I recently found them very common in the woods of Camp Ripley, north of Little Falls.  Their whistled singing was heard throughout the camp; the soldiers of our state National Guard’s 47^th Military Police company were treated to whippoorwills on a nightly basis!

I found it delightful, but the more practical members of the company complained that the “noise” cut into what little sleep time was available.

The bird is rare in the taiga of northeast Minnesota and absent from the western part of the state.  It winters from the very southern part of the United States south into northern South America.

For some reason, the bird is virtually never seen during migration.

Like most insect-eaters, whippoorwills will not be with us much longer.  Soon they will leave for the winter.  So venture into the summer night, and listen for them.

You will know when you hear it, and you will be glad you did.

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* Minneapolis lawyer Tom Malone has loved, studied and watched birds for more than 30 years.